


Turning Out

by willpwxer



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Ouch this really hurts, Song fic, breaking up, im writing to avoid dealing with my own problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willpwxer/pseuds/willpwxer
Summary: Kenma Kozume is still turning out.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Turning Out

**Author's Note:**

> i recommend listening to turning out, and turning out part ii by ajr. those songs inspired the fic :,)

-I hold you. I hold you closer than I ever knew, I could do.-

Kenma was never really sure what love felt like. 

He had seen movies and tv shows, so he thought he had it figured it out. He saw the sparks flying, the world spinning, and everything falling into place for the characters. He saw how everything always made sense when it came to one person. 

It was always you. 

So when he was asked if he had ever been in love, his mind shifted to the stories he had seen. And when he put all the pieces together, he looked at his best friend. 

Kuroo Tetsurou. The one who had been there since they were kids. The one who picked him up when he fell. The one who pushed him, but never too far or too hard. When he looked at Kuroo, everything had made sense to him. When he didn’t know where to go, he’d go to Kuroo. When things got bad, he’d turn to Kuroo

It was always Kuroo.

It was always Kuroo Tetsurou to Kenma. 

So he didn’t blink twice when the accidental brushing of hands turned into interlocked fingers. He didn’t think when Kuroo stopped sleeping on the floor and started sharing the bed with him. He didn’t hesitate when suddenly, Kuroo was kissing his forehead, pushing his hair behind his ear, and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. 

He wasn’t taken aback when Kuroo called him beautiful, or perfect, or incredible. It felt natural to Kenma. 

Maybe that was how soulmates were supposed to be. Natural. Sliding together like they belonged together. 

It wasn’t until he was in his second year, Kuroo in his third, that Kenma had started to realize that something shifted between them. Laying in bed, the air around them comfortably quiet. They were leaning against the wall, sitting on Kenma’s bed. Time was slipping into nonsense. Kenma let his eyes fall shut. 

“Kenma.”

“Hm?”

“I like spending time with you.” 

“I do too.”

Silence. 

“I feel safe with you.”

Kenma opened his eyes at that. He rolled his head against the wall so he was looking at Kuroo. His face was flushed, but his eyes set determined on Kenma’s features.

“I feel safe with you too.” Kenma let the words slip out of his mouth. 

He truly meant them. He meant them with his entire being. He had never felt more safe or comfortable with any one in his entire life. Kuroo just made sense.

It was always Kuroo. 

Kuroo had caressed Kenma’s face carefully, almost afraid he’d break it. And he moved slowly, and placed a nervous kiss on Kenma’s lips. 

-Am I ready for love? Or maybe just a best friend. Should there be a difference? Do you have instructions?-

Nothing. 

Kenma felt no sparks flying. No big revelation. No spinning cameras and music playing. Just his quiet bedroom as his best friend kissed him. But he allowed himself to kiss back. 

Maybe the movies were wrong. Maybe Kuroo was his entire world, but there was no magic to it. Maybe he was just fooled by the stories he knew. 

Kissing Kuroo felt nice. It felt safe. 

But he couldn’t help an ugly pit that grew in his stomach. It grew larger the longer they shared soft kisses in Kenma’s bedroom. He didn’t know what it was. It felt ugly and gross and it clenched at his heart. 

Maybe this was the feeling people confused with love. 

It wasn’t until Kuroo had fallen asleep next to him, curled in his chest, Kenma carefully running his fingers through his hair that he finally placed the feeling. 

He had felt it before. It wasn’t love. 

It was guilt. 

Kenma had felt guilty, but he couldn’t place why. His heart clenched when Kuroo pulled him in closer, when he let out soft sighs. Kenma felt like he was going to throw up when he saw the soft smile on Kuroo’s face as he slept. 

He thought that everything would make sense eventually. That he would grow into that feeling that the movies had talked about. He would be patient. He would wait to see if he just cared for his best friend, or if he was truly in love. 

-I’m a little kid, and so are you. Don’t you go and grow up, before I do.-

Kuroo could give him time. Kuroo would be patient. They could figure it out. 

Kenma gave into the affection. They would kiss in between classes. They would hold hands. Kuroo looked at Kenma like he was the world.

Kenma never understood what the big deal was. He didn't understand the looks of jealousy people gave him. It was just Kuroo. It was just his best friend. Except now they would peck on the lips. He couldn't grasp why that was so shocking. 

-Cause I’m still turning out.-

\--

-I am not chosen, or that unique. Honestly, you were and you chose me.-

When graduation came, Kenma felt that ugly pit come back in his stomach. The pit he felt at the beginning of the year, the one where Kuroo had kissed him. The one that never left his stomach, throughout the entirety of the year. He knew what he had to do. 

The love never came. Only the building confusion. Especially when Kuroo would kiss him deeper, and Kenma would pull away.

-You said you’d love me, no matter what. You said you’d love me, is that what I loved?-

He knew what he had to do. 

Kenma sat quietly, tears pricking at his eyes as Kuroo shuffled around his room. He was packing. He was leaving. And Kenma felt empty. 

“Kuroo. Can we talk?” 

He could feel the tension build. The pit twisted in his stomach. 

Guilt. 

“Sure, what’s up?” 

“I’m going to miss you.” 

“I’m not going far, kitten. I’ll call you everyday.” 

“Kuroo.”

That’s when he turned around. And that’s when Kenma felt the tears fall. 

Kuroo sat next to him on the bed and wrapped an arm around him. He placed a soft kiss on Kenma’s cheek, which made his stomach twist. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you sorry?” 

Kenma looked around Kuroo’s room. He chewed on his lip as his heart crawled up his throat.

“I think I fucked up everything.” 

“Kenma?”

“I don’t think I love you.” 

Kuroo’s arm fell from his shoulders, landing in his lap as he stared at Kenma’s face. Kenma couldn’t look at him. 

“I think I loved the idea of you. And I’m going to miss you when you leave, but not the way you want me to. I think… Because you said you loved me no matter what, I fell in love with the idea of that. And I can’t keep… I don’t… I’m sorry.” 

Time slipped into nonsense as Kenma sobbed quietly. He could feel Kuroo trying to hold back the tears that were building. 

“I wish it wasn’t true. I wish I didn’t waste your time or have to break your heart like this. I just… I’m still trying to figure myself out. And so far, I don’t love myself at all.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the one for you.” Kuroo’s voice cracked. Kenma wouldn’t look at him. 

“Don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you.” 

Kenma left without another word, going back to his house, tainted with guilty memories of kissing Kuroo. 

He didn’t hear the heartbreaking sob that ripped out of Kuroo’s chest. He didn’t see as Kuroo fell to the floor and cried for hours. He didn't know that Kuroo Tetsurou didn't spend his last night eating dinner with his parent. He spent it in his room, going through his texts, wondering if it was something he did. 

-Is this all that life’s about? Tryna love how you turn out. I don’t love it much at all.-

Kenma didn’t say goodbye when Kuroo left the next day. 

Kuroo didn’t look back when the train pulled away.

**Author's Note:**

> okay wow is this really bad and 100% a rant fic because these songs make me cry and i have a lot of emotional baggage? yep anyways i hope you enjoed this because i might do more short songfics this was wild


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